Family resemblance

What is happening in my inner life

Nov 03, 2022

Want a soundtrack for your reading? I made you this Spotify playlist: Kona Collection.

I am turning into my parents.

Like my dad, I am waking up around 5 a.m. without an alarm.1 I couldn’t be happier about this development. The highlight of my first month in Kona has been these hours spent hiding away to pray, read my Bible, and think. Every morning, I am eager to climb down from my top bunk and walk to my favorite spot on campus to just be with God. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning — it’s not hard to wake up when you know gifts await you!

Early mornings are uniquely special to me because they are a chance to practice living out of my true identity: “Loved by God.” I haven’t *done* anything by 5:15 a.m., so the only explanation for God’s nearness is His kindness. There is no earning involved.

Over the past month, our lecturers have taken direct aim at our hearts. The teaching hasn’t been complex or profound. Instead, I am discovering new depths of the simple truth about who God is and who I am. By sharing stories and learnings from their own lives, our speakers have created space for God to speak to us individually. Every week, I have discovered dusty corners of my inner life that I had left unattended.

For example, an offhand comment by our speaker caught my attention last Thursday. It sparked a two-minute conversation with a classmate during the next stretch break, and this brief interaction helped me identify a lie I have believed about myself for literal decades. I thanked God for pointing it out and asked Him to correct my thinking with truth from the Bible. And He did!

The only reason I was able to receive this moment of painful clarity as a gift, not a threat to my worth — was because I was secure in my “Loved by God” identity. When I believe my identity is “Loved by God on My Best Days,” I feel insecure and revert to old patterns of performance, people-pleasing, and control.

I am getting free from these all-too-familiar patterns by exercising the muscles of confession, vulnerability, and trust. Practically speaking, I am learning to tell the whole truth about what I think, believe, and feel — even the seemingly small things I notice each day: “I feel angry about XYZ.” “I am afraid of XYZ.” “I felt hurt by XYZ.”

I have long misconstrued self-reliance as a sign of strength, so it followed naturally that vulnerability is evidence of weakness. No spoiler here: My independence was actually my own pride blocking intimacy with God and with others. Because God is relational, the more self-reliant I am, the less I look like Him. That ain’t cute!

Interdependence is the way forward. By getting honest about my shortcomings and my needs, I see more clearly than ever my need for other people to operate in *their* strengths. This positions me to receive love and clarifies what is mine to own.

Humans were designed in the image of God, so maturing means both (1) growing in resemblance to Him and (2) becoming more and more of who He uniquely designed me to be — in my context, with my personality and gifts.

What would Jesus do if He were living my life? As I ask this question, I am paying attention to what my friends are affirming in me:

Authority
Clarity
Teaching
Encouragement
Joy

I want to remain in an ongoing dialogue with God to discern what He is asking me to do in each situation. My responsibility is to listen for His voice and respond — nothing more and nothing less. I can trust every invitation from God is His best offer.

This feels like freedom.

And now I find myself doing my mom’s trademark move — running from place to place — just because I can. I am filled with so much joy and energy. I have never danced this much in my life.

The impetus for stepping away from my corporate career was sensing an invitation from God to cultivate deeper friendship with Him. And y’all, it is *happening.* I keep thinking, “I can’t believe this is my life,” and it only gets richer every week.

The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him,
and he makes known to them his covenant.

—Psalm 25:14

Dear Antioch —

I tuned into second service while I brushed my teeth at 5 a.m. on Sunday. It was wonderful to rejoin the family, even digitally from 4,400 miles away. I have so much affection for y’all!

Dear Cintas —

Any chance I get to reconnect is a joy. The past week has involved FaceTime, Instagram DMs, LinkedIn comments, and texting. Y’all are always on my heart.

Dear everyone —

Your generosity and encouragement continues to amaze me. I feel so supported. I would love to hear from you! Reply to this email, comment, text me, anything. <3

The stirring of my roommates getting ready for the 5 a.m. CrossFit class helps.